Ode to Sarah Palin (in haiku form) - Part 1

When God made Sarah Palin
God added way too much "super bitch"
Not enough "shut the fuck up"

Beauty queen politician
When she plays her flute on stage, I think
American Pie band camp girl

Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow and Piper
Original names, based on stupid shit
Was "Douche" already taken?

Order your Thought-O-Tron 8000 today!

I love getting stuff I pre-ordered from Amazon. It is very uplifting after a long day of work to get a nice present for yourself (granted, a present that you paid for). A few days ago, my Thought-O-Tron 8000 came in. What does it do? Well, hook the Thought-O-Tron 8000 up to your television feed and it will transcribe the actual thoughts of the speaker via subtitles on you screen! Don't believe me? Well see for yourself then - here is the Thought-O-Tron transcript to President Bush's speech on November 5th 2008, with the real time thoughts of our prez is in parentheses.

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PRESIDENT BUSH: Good morning.

Last night, I had a warm conversation with President-elect Barack Obama. I congratulated him and Senator Biden on their impressive victory.
(I said to Barack: "heckuva job Brownie, if you know what I mean." heh heh heh, but seriously, some of my best friends are brown - like, you know, the Pocahontas people that wear feathers on their heads)

I told the president-elect he can count on complete cooperation from my administration as he makes the transition to the White House.
(After all, Colin Powell, a member of my staff, gave Obama his support - wait, daggone it, he doesn't work for me anymore?)

I also spoke to Senator John McCain. I congratulated him on a determined campaign that he and Governor Palin ran. The American people will always be grateful for the lifetime of service John McCain has devoted to this nation, and I know he'll continue to make tremendous contributions to our country.
(Old man McCain reminds me of my grandpapy - his skin is all wrinkly - pretty gross. He never liked me very much, but I wonder why... After all, we were both armed services veterans.)

No matter how they cast their ballots, all Americans can be proud of the history that was made yesterday. Across the country, citizens voted in large numbers. They showed a watching world the vitality of America's democracy and the strides we have made toward a more perfect union.
(And after me and the scary bald guy are outta here, it'd be a even more vitalistical, perfectionarist union)

They chose a president whose journey represents a triumph of the American story: a testament to hard work, optimism and faith in the enduring promise of our nation.
(I know all about hard work. You know, running the Texas Rangers ain't easy. Sometimes, I had to wake up before noon because I had to conversate with the folks on east coast time. You know, that's when I decided to run for president, then I'd get rid of this facist and freedom-hating time zone thingee altogether. Also, did you know I came up with the idea for bobblehead night at the stadium - nobody gave me credit for that! Anyway, America, you're welcome)

Many of our citizens thought they would never live to see that day.
(My nutsack is so goddamn itchy right now!)

This moment is especially uplifting for a generation of Americans who witnessed the struggle for civil rights with their own eyes and four decades later see a dream fulfilled.
(Personally, my dream was fulfilled years ago at my first frat party at Yale, when me, two babes, and Jack (Daniels) had the night of my life. All downhill from there folks. Now, was this part of the speech supposed to be referring to that black guy that had all these streets named after him? I believe he was Martin Luther, the King of Africa. I swear, sometimes my speech writer should clue me in more on what I'm saying)

A long campaign has now ended and we move forward as one nation. We're embarking on a period of change in Washington, yet there are some things that will not change. The United States government will stay vigilant in meeting its most important responsibility: protecting the American people. And the world can be certain this commitment will remain steadfast under our next commander in chief.
(Heh heh, I said period, heh, heh, heh)

There's important work to do in the months ahead, and I will continue to conduct the people's business as long as this office remains in my trust.
(Which means that I only have to work as hard as my approval rating. Let's see, my approval rating's at 28%. Shoot, let's work this out all mathetificatedly - this means I still have to work half the time!)

During this time of transition, I will keep the president-elect fully informed on important decisions. And when the time comes on January the 20th, Laura and I will return home to Texas with treasured memories of our time here, with profound gratitude for the honor of serving this amazing country.
(Most important decision: make sure the curtains match the drapes! Heh. Seriousligiously, I am profoundfly gratificated by the American people who gave me 8 great years of vacationing)

It'll be a stirring sight to watch President Obama, his wife, Michelle, and their beautiful girls step through the doors of the White House. I know millions of Americans will be overcome with pride at this inspiring moment that so many have waited so long.
(I know millions more in Texas crying themselves to sleep to Toby Keith, but that's another story)

I know Senator Obama's beloved mother and grandparents would've been thrilled to watch the child they raised ascend the steps of the Capitol and take his oath to uphold the Constitution of the greatest nation on the face of the Earth.
(Now, was your mom or grandmom the muslim al qaeda operative? Can she tell me where some of her associates are?)

Last night I extended an invitation to President-elect and Mrs. Obama to come to the White House, and Laura and I are looking forward to welcoming them as soon as possible.
(I hope they like the cotton fields I'm planting in the White House on their behalf! Cheney told me that African Americans love them! It's gonna look fantastic next to the watermelon patch!)

Thank you very much.
(Anyone still want to have a beer with me? Cuz I need a beer)

There is no Obama prize

After hearing that Obama had clinched the presidential election, what sprang to mind was Chris Rock's comment about the celebration that went on after OJ Simpson was acquitted of murder in 1994. Chris Rock's response to the multitudes of black people shouting "We Won! We Won!" after the trial was, to paraphrase, "What the fuck did we win? Where's my OJ prize?" The same thing can be said about Obama's victory today. Sorry, but there is no Obama prize in the mail for us in the immediate future. As noted by the new president-elect, it will take hard work and sacrifice from a unified nation to rebuild this country.

Tonight, we have also witnessed the return of an old friend: John McCain. The past eight years for him have been truly Star Wars-ian. After being humiliated by the vicious Emperor Palpa-Bush political machine in 2000, he was seduced by the dark side and resorted to dishonorable methods to seize the power that was once wrongfully denied to him. Indeed, we now see that his bursts of anger and awkwardness during the election were not directed at Obama, but rather, they were manifestations of the contempt that he had for himself for selling short of the principles that he once stood for.

At the conclusion of this historic campaign, we now again bare witness to McCain as a restored Jedi. On his recent appearance on SNL, we saw McCain shaking loose of the perverse Republican machinations and regain his own humble and righteous mojo. His graceful and humble concession speech reminded us of the good side of the force he once radiated in 2000. Too bad the same can't be said of the boorish boobs making catcalls at McCain's calls for unity and reconciliation. Welcome back to the good side, AnaMcCain Skywalker, the honorable but flawed warrior who had lost his way.

McCain's lasting regret however, will be the unleashing of the Palin demogogue upon the masses. The Wicked Wasilia Witch of the Way West will be back, with a GOP base consolidated by mis-information and bigotry. There must be progress in the next four years, or else the Wasilia Witch will be back with a vengenace, with four more years of political seasoning in the national spotlight, combined with her natural neocon talent for divisive rhetorics. Formidable as Palin will become, the true question is whether Americans will be able to roll-up their sleeves to get the country back on track and fend off this maniac? Yes. We. Can.

Irony First

I get a little mentally tongue-tied whenever I see that "Country First" McCain-Palin slogan. For good traditional capitalists and traditional conservatives, their interest is in keeping the government interference to a minimum and keeping the tax rates low. For such folks, it is unclear how they would place "Country First," unless the slogan is actually supposed to mean "Country [Club] First." You know, Barack Obama may preach change, but he never asked his supporters to place the country above themselves. The McCain-Palin campaign have been accusing that Obama's policies are socialist. Yet, the campaign failed to pick up on the delicious irony that their campaign slogan may be the most socialist political perspective of this presidential campaign.

Watching Palin stroke divisive flames from her "Country First" podium, I realized that I have misunderstood her all along. It is not the case that Palin fails to learn from and emulate important points history and politics. It's just that, being a busy soccer mom, she never gets the chance to finish the books. You know, I bet Palin is in the middle of reading the history of the World War II. She's picking up on all the right notes on how the Nazis used divisive and hateful rhetoric to centralized power. Once Palin finishes the book and see how World War II actually panned out, she will probably switch her political tactics accordingly. Cuntry First!

One other thought keeps reverberating in my mind on election eve - William Kristol of the New York Times is a raging douche bag. On a recent appearance on the Colbert Report, he dismisses the New York Times as a respectable news source, but neglecting to mention that the Times pay his undeserved salary. You know what kind of people do that? People who not only enjoy picking and eating their own boogers, but relishes telling people about the experience. His most recent article cheerfully explains why liberals should be happy if McCain pulls off the upset, including such profound insights such as "it would be a victory for an underdog" and "it would be a defeat for the establishment." Silly liberals, here they are, lamenting about absorbing the costs of unneeded wars and trying to make grasp the scope of the economic breakdown. But you know what? a continuation of Bush policies would be freakin awesome because liberals love underdogs... Is there any doubt that this guy likes the taste of boogers?